parody 1.2 (PDF)

Parody

We can send a message around
the world in one-seventh of a second,
but it takes years to drive an idea
through a quarter-inch of human skull.

—Charles F. Kettering

ISSN 2165-6606

$5.00
02

Volume 1 Issue 2
9 772165 660009

Parody
poetry for the world as it really isn't
October 31, 2012
Volume 1, Issue 2

The spirit of the poet craves spectators—even if only buffaloes.
– Zarathustra (F. Nietzsche)

Editor in Chief
O Captain My Captain
Commander of Design
Sergeant E-Pub

The Haikooligan
Brian Garrison
Sopphey Vance
Matthew Guerruckey

©2012, Parody Poetry
ISSN: 2165-6606 (print)
ISSN: 2166-0085 (electronic)
Printed in the U.S.A. by Bookmobile

an On Impression publication
We delicately extract each specimen from the imagination of the respective author
without damaging his/her precommissural fornix nor his/her legal ownership of the
piece. Please refrain from circumventing international copyright laws. Be warned, our
anti-piracy team is well trained in the art of !-!-"-"-L-R-L-R-B-A. To purchase a copy
(or seventeen), use the order form in back or visit our port on the high-seas of the
internet: http://parody.onimpression.com You are certainly welcome to mail us your
submissions, subscriptions, and miscellaneous trading cards you find lying around:
Parody Poetry Journal, P.O. Box 404, East Rochester, NY 14445

Contents
Dracula's Favorite Things!
___________ 1
Diane de Anda

Tub of Lard!_____________________ 17
Tracy Davidson

Selected Titles from the Poor Man's Genre
Library!
_________________________ 2
G. O. Clark

Return to Sender!__________________ 18
Mary Elzabeth Lee

Biblical Themed Horror Movies!
________ 3
Children's Books Written by the Sand People
in Star Wars!
_____________________ 3
Jonathan Shipley
My Mind and I!
___________________ 4
Tracy Koretsky
The Lighter Side of Multiple Personalities!5
Jasper Sole
Halloween in Cambodia!
______________6
Jon Wesick
I am a Garbage Plate!_______________ 8
Cara Shulman
Sharpened Poetry!
__________________ 9
Happ-eBirthday!___________________ 9
Flash Rosenberg
Calm on Down!!
__________________ 10
Novocain!_______________________ 11
Joseph Reich
Foodie!_________________________ 12
Anne Skalitza
Turds: On Barely Avoiding One in the
Grass!_________________________ 13
A.J. Dillon-Davis
Wolf Just has to Say!
______________ 14
Noel Sloboda
Just so You Know !________________ 15
Barbara Lydecker Crane
The Hyphenated Marriage!
__________ 16
Paul Goldberg

Bad Romance!____________________ 19
Josh Smith
The skin of a woman named Hermia!
___ 20
Jim Hale
The Venerable Bede!________________ 20
Christopher Hitchens!
______________ 20
Chris Eugene Canter
There is no Frigate Like a Frig!_______ 21
Mike Jones
Misdirection!_____________________ 21
Anthony Nannetti
The Wasteland!
___________________ 22
David Lewitzky
Song of the Sleepy Adept!
____________ 24
Mark J. Mitchell
Jabberwock Redux!
________________ 25
Neil Ellman
The Workout!
____________________ 26
Lainey O'Brien
Pub Fever!
_______________________ 27
Larry Lefkowitz
How do I Loathe Me?!
______________ 28
Brook J. Sadler
The Tenured or the Bored!___________ 29
Eric Evans

Contributors____________________ 30
Works Parodied_______________ 34

Editor's Note
In a world of cheezburgers and little brothers named Charlie (who
have been known to gnaw on fingers from time to time), there is still
room enough for words. Words that illuminate a new understanding of
humanity. Words that can leap tall buildings in a single bound! Words
that stand on their own—unaccompanied by pictures of cats doing
science.
Don't get me wrong, I like partyin' partyin' (yeah) like it's Friday,
but sometimes you just have to mix things up a bit. And you already
know this. So I'll stop yammering on and let you get to the poems.
In a minute... I'll just finish my musing first and you'll be reading
witty poems faster than a panda can sneeze. There are things that I
wonder about. Like, what brings you and I here to look at little black
squiggles printed on tree pulp.
After all, there's no video feed, the audio sometimes gets warped in
the transfer from the author's mind to the reader's auditory cortex
(filtered through the visual cortex), and many poems throughout
history are less coherent than David after the dentist. Despite the
competition that faces the world of poetry, and despite my crummy
salesmanship, you're still here ready to read!
If, when you're finished reading, you feel like putting your own
scribbles down on paper, you could write your own poem! Send it to
us. I promise to read it. Now go dig in, before you meet a doom worse
than What's Her Face or The Ugly One.
Mostly Sincerely,
The Haikooligan

Dracula's Favorite Things
with apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein

Blood drops from noses and necks freshly bitten,
Bright trusting eyes on a virgin I've smitten,
Brown bony undead the night shadow brings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cream colored satin in coffins once feudal,
Death knells to slay belles and anything brutal,
Black bats that fly with the moon on their wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Ghosts in white dresses and Jason who slashes,
Flesh flakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,
Silver white moonlight where the werewolf sings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Chorus:
When it's sunrise,
When no one dies,
When the world is glad,
I simply remember my favorite things
Until everything turns bad.
Diane de Anda

1

Selected Titles from the Poor Man's Genre Library
From a Pinto Six
The Barrio and the Stars
Farnham's Packing Crate
I, Nobody
The Park My Destination
The Drinking Fountains of Harlem
Journey to the Center of the Dumpster
Stranger in a Gentrified Land
Delirium Visions
Again, Delirium Visions
The Debilitated Man
The Left Hand of Nobody
Lord of the Under Passes
Shopping Cart Troopers
Ringworm
All too Human
G. O. Clark

2

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Parody

Biblical Themed Horror Movies
The Garden of Bleedin'
The Ark of the Coven
40 Days and 40 Frights
The Blood-Thirsty Apostle
Slain and Able
Give us this Day our Daily Dead
Gold, Frankincense, and Murder
Lazarus Returns, with a Vengeance
The Kingdom, and the Power, and the Gory, Forever
The Dead Sea
Thou Shalt Murder
I Know what You did Last Supper
Jonathan Shipley

Children's Books Written by the Sand People in Star Wars
Green RRAAGGHHHHH!!!! and Ham
Where the Wild Things RRAAGGGHHHH!!
James and the RRRAAGGGHH!!!! Peach
Tales of the Fourth Grade RRAAGGHHHH!!
Mrs. Frisby and the RRAAGGHHHHH!!! of NIMH
The Lion, the Witch, and the RRAGGHHHH!!
Jonathan Shipley

3

My Mind and I
My mind slipped through a backdoor
to watch the stars explode,
to watch diamonds shower through the sky,
and pan the mother lode.
My mind ran off to Africa
to help, to bleed, to hide.
My mind walked by the ocean
and sat on a rock and cried.
My mind walked into the woods
hoping to lose the trail.
My mind sealed itself in an envelope
and relied on U.S. mail.
And when it felt it couldn't cope,
my mind considered doing dope.
So I put my mind on the bus to work
and told it not to look
or touch or taste or learn at all,
just to sit and read its book.
But it made balloons of stoplights
and vanished through the trees.
So if my mind you come across,
won't you have it write home, please.
'Cause while I stay and pay my bills
for my rooms and books and bread,
my mind is slipping through back doors
far above my head.
Tracy Koretsky

4

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Parody